simply complicated

this week made such a complete turn, for the worse.
monday and tuesday were amazinng :]
i'm so thankful for all the thought that was put into it
and how amazing you guys are<3 i cant even put it into words.

then stuff started popping up
to ruin things.
[who knew all of this drama would have almost nothing to do with formal?]
am i witnessing the collapse of...everything?
i dont know who to trust anymore.
or what to do.
whenever someone tells me something, a voice inside my head questions whether or not to believe them. people can be so deceitful.
did i do something wrong?
am i a bad friend?
do i deserve this in some way?
am i responsible? i honestly don't know.
i can't just ignore this. i can't.
it won't pass by itself.

high school has turned into one of those catty girl books
when everyone has a huge secret, people turn on each other,
where [a lot of] guys are jerks and girls are witches,
when too much drama happens
and where everything is so shallow and superficial.

btw, i might act like it sometimes, but i'm not stupid. don't think you can fool me so easily.

I AM SO EEFFFING PISSED. no. ANGRY. i swear. it's over. i am not gonna let anything else happen. for their sake... it better not be true.

time to turn to my best, most useful medicine: singing my heart out to music blasting in my room without a care in the world, even for a little while :]

p.s. i'm just so grateful for the people responsible for those moments, during the worst days, that make me smile and laughh to no end <3




"when i am alone, i unconsciously smile to myself more often than ever before."

everything depends on perspective.
life can be confusing. or simple.
it can be filled with evil. or good.
we can be drowned in tears of sadness. or joy...
depending on how one sees everything.

what determines this, though? genetics? innate personality?
enviornmental influences? past experiences? everyone affects each other in one way or another.

Life is pretty good right now :] I have learned to suppress all or most of the negative feelings and experiences. I dont feel the urge to explain everything anymore just so they can understand. It's just not worth it. Judge me, sure. I dont care. but don't say you know me, unless you really do. I just might surprise you.

Life is too short to dwell on the past. All we can do is hope and work for a better future.

I hope you see things as i have learned to. Maybe we do not share the same experiences that caused us to become the people we are, but trust me...
life
all of it
is worth it.
the tears will eventually turn to laughter, if you let it.
frowns will turn to smiles
it can only get better from here.
give it a chance.
give yourself a chance.
give love a chance.
give life a chance. it wont let you down.


you are special. especially to me. cmon, i just dedicated this whole blog to you ;P <3

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."

you introduced this quote to me.[& i live by it]

what mr. hogan said will definitely stick to me forever:
"the secret to life is being able to experience two completely conflicting emotions at once."
he went on to tell us about how his parents were so close to divorce when he was just a bit older than we are, but decided to stick it out because they know better times will come, and that they looked at marriage as a whole and not to halt it because of one unfortunate time. I love how he related all of this to the music we were studying. His words truly touched me in a way i never thought possible.

i guess i could relate to that. but if my parents didnt divorce i'd still be in philippines right now, and life as i know it probably would not exist at all. I guess everything does happen for a reason, even if they do seem awful at the time.

"sometimes the dreams that come true are the ones you never knew you had"

------------------------------------

People talk of things. but how does one know who, or what to believe? They say i can trust them, but can i really? i don't know.
the past has taught me that assumptions lead to negative consequences.
so i will not make assumptions whatsoever.

sighh, love is in the air for a lot of people(no, not me lol)
i truly hope everything works out, and history doesnt repeat itself.
but it's high school. everyone overdramatizes everything. but we can only hope for the best :]

"things somehow always work out"
"shh. don't jynx it!"

been in an extremely bad/depressed/tired mood latelyy.








can you blame me though?
it just gets worse everyday.
al;ksdfj whatever. im useed to it.
soo messed up though.
even the sunniest places can have rainy days.

i like vanilla bean, oreos, and key lime pie.
no, i just like the shade of green on the pie ;]

tigres and certain situations seem promising :D
"fifth wheel!" oh weeell at least im the only one not in denial.
how do you find the line between false assumptions and simple ignorance?

and fyi, i can touch all the basketballs i want :P

oh and to a certain someone: dont do it. its so not worth it. trust me.
youre one of the best, most amazing and wonderful people i know.

"cause if you jump i will jump too" ~skyway avenue

baby are you down down down down down?
;]

loooooved it.
no pressure.
no guys. kinda.
friends.
forever.
the floor.
the beat.
my feet.
(:

its coming back again.
died down during summer, but i guess
it came with the school year.
fun fun fun.

anywayy, ive been thinking about past friendships
that ive had over the years...
its like, during that time youd think that the friendship
would be worth something to both of the people
and that nothing could stop that powerful relationship
but in the end they just forget, or it didnt mean anything to them.
and now that "strong" friendship is reduced to a mere greeting in the hallway.
but its ok and im glad cus this is how i determine who my real friends are ;]

junior years pretty scary, but i can do it :) if i work hard and change my habits,
blahblahblah.
i just love how we "came back from where we left off"
and that "nothings changed" LOL

my my my.
MY MY MY.
aye aye aye.
seriously, STOP BEING SO IGNORANTT >:O but
thats who you are loll
so well just see whatll happen in the future ;]

wow. why am i even thinking about this?
i made a promise to myself never to do so.
to forget about it.
why?

"i can feel sad if i want to."

is such a good day....










not.

you can drive at 16
go to clubs at 18
drink at 21
retire at 65
but whoever set the age to fall in love?

who says you have to be a certain age to do certain things?
with age comes wisdom: that's a total lie.
growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
but how do we know when it's time to grow up,
and when it's time to enjoy our youth?

things or people that may make you happier right now
might just ruin you later on.
do we live in the moment? or do we continue with our lives
always wondering what couldve been?
on the other hand, should we regard the future more than the present?
is it really more important?

just some things that popped into my mind today cus of recent events.

time will tell. it always does.

the day before yesterday my dad called me from the philippines.
we had this conversation and he ended up making me promise
to attend oxford until i finish high school.
sooo im coming back to oxfordd :D
i just hate the summer homework that i have to do now.

played guitar hero world tour for the FIRST time. it was soo much fun!
i seriously want to get it now.
i suck at guitar though. drums are my thing ;]

internet priviledges are FINALLY backk. im improving my RHETORICAL skills. omg
homework is getting to me :O so yeahh, i dont have to sneak anymore.

im listening to a broader range of music now.
im more into alternative bands now rather than just mainstream solo artists(:
hopefully certain PEOPLE wont criticize my choice in music. ahahha

oh and im soo excited for a certain someone (:
i think im destined to be there to CAPTURE the moments.
hehehhe and post those moments on facebook?
lol just kiddinggg. but yeah, im so glad something finally happened.
man, i miss my friends sooo much >:[

--------------------------------------------------------------------
im getting used to life as it is.
its restrictions
the people
the obstacles
the sacrifices, etc.

theres just no use in complaining anymore. it gets no one nowhere.
ill just wait for something good or exciting to happen.
it has to come eventuallyy. ill be happier staying positive, especially
if theres nothing i can do about it.


"Love life and life will love you back."
hopefully that's true.

havent posted a blog in a whilee. ive been pretty busy this summer
with volunteer stuff, babysitting, school, and hanging out, mostly with the fam.
ahahha oh well, at least i dont spend the whole day at the computer anymore lol.

IM SO HAPPY "HYPERVENTILATING" for someone who told me something good happened to them ;) bahhahahaha omg, seriously i started screaming when you told me <33 FINALLY!

summer school
its alright i guess. SOOO boring, but i have some people to help with thatt :)
bahahha i kinda feel bad because i always drag ariana to the lunch line so i can see someone. HEHE.
class is filled with weirdos. ugh. and my FRIENDS are no help at all -___- laughing at me... whenever some people..yeahh >:[
the work is so easy i can finish in like a minute.

i dyed my hair :O
the first time in my lifee. light brown highlights.
i guess it turned out okayy. its something different.
vickyy its your turn! hehe DYE YOUR HAIR(:
and i DONT act like a blonde. hehe

oxford?
still undecided, but it seems like, im coming back next yearr :]
the summer homework really isnt helping me with wanting to come back,
but ehhh.
my friends better be worth it! HAHA of course you guys are<3 i guess..
bahahha.

yesterday i spent 3 1/2 hours sitting at the doctors office because my moms stomach was hurting. we were supposed to watch proposal, but that didnt work out. we ate in-n-out instead :D heheh
well, i still need to hang out with a lot people this summer.
so LETS MAKE PLANS :D

im so freaking scared.
but excited just the same.

aahh i dont know what to do with myselff
the mind is a whirlwind.

;aldksjf! is the best way i can explain
my thoughts.

i dont think im playing mario anymore.
im pretty sure ill lose.

gah i want rainy days to come ;]

lorros should ask tigres something already!

my situation should confess!

people should stop being pissed at me for thinking about leaving oxford. i mean, what good will it do? its not going to influence my decision...

i hope the last 2 days of school will wrap up certain things that have been going on this year. we cant leave certain "things" unfinished.

im really gonna miss the people who are leaving oxford for sure<3

hah i wonder when hogan will put up the choir classess cause id prefer to be in advanced girls..

found out today we're not getting a house, but im moving out of this roach/flea/ant/spider-infested apartment! ;]

finally getting an allowance to save up for an ipod. itll take 7 1/2 months, but thats okayyy :D

without music, i would die.

today was fun. who knew baby showers could make me sweat. lool!

i wonder who'll win the bet between erin and me. only summer will tell <3

i'm trying to be ready for whatever the future throws me. it's beyond my control, so why fret?

i seriously wish i could read people's minds.

ughh it get so annoying when people start conversations about a few certain someones, assuming that i would care, because of what happened before.

just let me do what i want. its my life and none of it is for your amusement.

“Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not yet understood”

this is so cuteee. i wonder if its true. LOL

Why do boys fall in love with girls?
(This was written by a guy)
it’s so sweet!
1. They will always smell good even if it’s just shampoo.
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our
shoulder.
3. How cute they look when they sleep.
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms.
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right
in the world.
6. How cute they are when they eat.
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while.
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside.
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear.
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she’s the most beautiful girl on this earth.
11. How cute they are when they argue.
12. The way her hand always finds yours.
13. The way they smile.
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the your cell after you just had a big fight.
15. The way she says “lets not fight anymore” - even though you
know that an hour later....
16. The way that they kiss after you have had a fight.
17. The way they kiss you when you say “I love you”.
18. Actually...Just the way they kiss you…
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry.
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly.
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt. * i think every girl is guilty of this
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don’t admit it).
23. The way they say “I miss you”.
24. The way you miss them.
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn’t hurt her anymore...Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or
know that you would die without them it matters not. Because once in
your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to
you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their
souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart.
A feeling. Only felt.

i'm so over it.
you're just unbelievably stupid.
everything was a waste of time and energy,
one of the few things in my life that i regret.
oh well, it's your loss :]
BTW, don't talk to me again.

soo, havent posted in a while
i thought i should now.

nothing's going on, i promise you.
i hate it whem people think
i like them, when in all seriousness i dont like anybody right now.
cant you be friends with someone of the opposite sex
and still play around and joke without people thinking there's something going on?
& i think i made a mistake by telling him...
cuz i think he's the type of person to avoid. i dont want things to be awkward
because he's a really good friend. i thought he'd react differently...
but whatever. i don't care about what people think, but i hate misunderstandings.

i think you should get a life. you were the worst part of my day.

omg erin, please tell me when your two month long denial phase ends
so i can talk to you without having to explain the SAME exact things
over and over againn?? hahaaa we have crazy fun times in cluster though :]
YOUR FACE!!!! lmfao.

and alina, at least youre not AS in denial as erin, but STILLLL
it wouldnt kill you to say something >:D

please don't come back into my life. ive tried my hardest to forget about you,
not telling anyone because i didnt want to talk about it. ive survived this long,
don't ruin it for me. i don't even consider you as anything anymore...so stop talking to me.

so terrified, everyday, that i'll get a phone call telling me the news. it's only a matter of time and im not ready yet. i would never be, because nothing can possibly prepare me.
i hate this part.


"the hardest part of this
is leaving you"

something my "therapist" said during a lunch walk
got me thinking
"one day, you'll eventually ________________"
will i really?
i hope nott.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Is the weather changing again?
just when i was getting used to the rain
it becomes somewhat sunny again.
will the rain come back? The sun is too bright.
i dont like it, but for some odd reason it's a bit comforting...
makes me feel that im actually worth something, that the sun comes out for me
-________-;

--------------------------------------------------------
She came home! :D Thank GOD. I got to see her again, and we ate cake<3
but i still cant fathom the fact that it's just a matter of time...for both of them.

--------------------------------------------------------------

HE IS SO STUPID. doesnt he know that what theyre planning to do is outrageous?
dont they know the complications that WILL follow? What if he ends up wasting it?
what if its all a mistake...im the one whose gonna have to pull him out. :/



"You are what you are."

Life is an Adventure ... Dare it
Life is a Beauty ... Praise it
Life is a Challenge ... Meet it
Life is a Duty ... Perform it
Life is a Love ... Enjoy it
Life is a Tragedy ... Face it
Life is a Struggle ... Fight it
Life is a Promise ... Fulfill it
Life is a Game ... Play it
Life is a Gift ... Accept it
Life is a Journey ... Complete it
Life is a Mystery ... Unfold it
Life is a Goal ... Achieve it
Life is an Opportunity ... Take it
Life is a Puzzle ... Solve it
Life is a Song ... Sing it
Life is a Sorrow ... Overcome it
Life is a Spirit ... Realize it.

ALMOST KILLING SOMEONE
BECAUSE OF A CARELESS AND STUPID ACT THEN RUNNING AWAY TO ESCAPE BEING SUED.
that is unbelievable.
she told them. she told them not to inject her there. she told them.
THEY INJECTED HER THERE.
i could shoot them.
THEN DOCTORS: the so called professionals
NOT CARING for their patients properly...
when theyre so close to death?
don't they KNOW that a human being's life is in their hands?
don't they know that theyre small moves can affect someone drastically?

and dont even get me started on family.
THEY'RE supposed to be there for her.
THEY'RE the ones that are supposed to go out of their way to visit.
dont they love her?
what if they never see her again?
won't they even feel a tad guilty?!
will they even help her?
UNBELIEVABLE. UNBELIEVABLE.

she was crying out for them. CRYING.
and they didn't come.
they were at "work".

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
love leaves a memory no one can steal.

hope that wasn't the last time i saw you.
hope you're strong enough.
can you take any more?
cant lose you yet
i cant.
not yet.
not now.
<3

i love this feeling.
no pressure
nothing to worry about.
look at each person with equality
now i can actually focus more on the things i need to focus on..sort myself out.
hopefully this will last till summer(;

i love the feeling of not liking anyone
right now.
:]

why is it so common? UNBELIEVABLE.
how can someone be SO stupid.
that they ruin their life over and over again
even though they are saved by friends, family, and God.
they still screw themselves.

millions of dollars gone. wasted? disappeared?
screw yourself over, but not other people!
theyre the ones affected most.
i PROMISE myself i will never be that stupid. ever.

i seriously think i am.
other than the fact i slept for about five hours earlier..
maybe nocturnal is a more fitting word.
sooo whatever that is, it's the reason i am writing a blog at 3am.

my mind has been hopping to boundaries unexplored.
i cant even think of one thing to write about because i want to say so much.
yet so little comes out. my head is a whirlwind. maybe thats why ive been getting bad headaches? xP
maybe its just fatigue. idk.

things have died down, thankfully. this wasnt my ideal outcome but whatever, il get over it. i still just need to clear things up, or else my mind wont be at peace.

this willy wonka rally SUCKEDD. our class totally failed because half of the people were out for sports :[ and matic didnt exactly help with the "hyper" mood we usually get at that time because she was being a total pms machine. UGH she used to be so cool.

oh and
btw.
OOOHMYGOSHHH im so happy for you guys[you know who you are]! when i heard that, i was like O_O---> :O --->8D

yeee!

anyway im gonna go try to sleep now(:

like everyone has been posting blogs about sadies
so il follow the "trend" (:

it was sooo much fun!
the way everything worked out was never the way i planned or imagined it, but i dont regret anything. my scanner doesnt work so i cant put my pictures online :[ so yeah haha. il figure out a way.
and we supposedly got the "bad" photographer, thats why our pictures weren't as good as others T.T but its okayyy.
and i was RIGHT for "forcing" vicky to go :P you and i both know you wanted to go anyway.
the night was not nearly as awkward as i imagined it. lol i laughed so much.
for ONE night NOBODY talked about homework or school, for once not a care in the world, which was unbelievably great.
they should have this type of thing more often. oxford kids need it!

PS vicky it was what i said it was![what i said on aim about the upbeat song] just ask anyone ;P oh and that project i dont have hope for.. but YOU do!<3

blehh. back to reality. still on sadies high though(:

SO CONFUSED.
O__________O

I saw this colorgenics thing on Erin's blog and thought it was interesting.
so i tried it(:


Name: theresa
Date: 3/10/2009
Colorgenics Number: 05763241


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out.

You haven't been feeling that great lately. Both physically and mentally you are exhausted. To your best friends, those who know you and love you, it shows. Your self esteem has been reduced almost to a minimum and in order to recover - and recover you will - it is necessary that you get away from it all, even if it be only for a few days.

Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.

You are experiencing extreme emotional disappointment because it would seem that a particular relationship is no longer running smoothly. You would like to break away from this involvement completely and yet, if this were to happen, then its possible that something very important to you would be lost. You are in a quandary. You are not sure which way to turn. So on the one hand, you would like to free yourself from this attachment altogether, yet on the other, you do not want to lose anything nor risk uncertainty and the possibility of further disappointment. These contradictory and opposing emotions are now causing you considerable stress but you are putting on a brave face.

Be it through unfulfilled emotional requirements, whatever the circumstances you are experiencing considerable stress, be it mental or physical. To your credit you are attempting to escape from this by endeavouring to create a semblance of peace and serenity by refusing to allow yourself to be involved. You have the strength to 'pull through' and all indications are that you will... perhaps sooner than you even believed possible.



this is unbelievable...ITS SO TRUE. WOW. LOL
<3

i thought i could trust you.
you were one of my best friends.
but it's okay
now i know better.

---------------------------------------------

somehow, in some way, anyone...
no matter who,
can shine a small light
in a dark room.
what if we all shone our little lights?
then the whole world will be brighter.

you can make a difference, even if you think
you cant. people tell themselves
you are just ONE person
you are just human
you are just YOU.
well, YOU are wonderful.
YOU can change the world.
YOU can change yourself.
its not too late.
just dont wait until it actually is.

I dont know what's wrong with me.
for some reason ive started to become more open with people
regarding my life and problems in general.
but im not going to let myself be in the situation that i was in before.
no way. its hard, because people just assume they know so much about you, and judge your actions and outlook on life in a way that is so wrong.
"yeah, shes so optimistic and smiles all the time, she probably hasnt experienced that many problems..."
maybe shes just good at supressing those types of things?
i just want to tell them everything, and make them understand. but that is just not the right thing to do. sometimes i wonder how it would feel if someone did know everything...will it give me that sense of relief i have been yearning for, or endless nerves worrying, and hoping that they keep their promise?...unlike before.

i think, i really need to get over my past. its not easy, but it has been a while. when you really think about it, theres no sense in living the present based on the past, because it will affect your future. If you keep doing so, change will never happen. its going to be hard, but im trying(: anything is possible with God, and i am so happy i have him by my side.

It's so funny how life turns out. Plans never work, and surprises never cease to fail. No matter our efforts to try to control every little aspect, it just isnt successful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day my mom shows up at our door, with a man... that's our new "dad".
and all of a sudden, we're supposedly a family. no warning, nothing. but then again, i was too young to understand. Seven years. seven whole years. He does the most disgusting things, and they expect me to call him "dad" and "love" him? Do they even know? How he has worse of a temper than me during PMS? How he cracks the most disgusting jokes, and drinks every week like theres no tomorrow? How he influenced my mom to smoke more, when she promised me she would quit 3 years before? How my siblings and i constantly get sick because of their habits? How my mom doesnt even begin to understand me, and she wonders why im so "messed up?" How im grounded pretty much the whole year, left to my thoughts wondering what i did that was so wrong. How im never gonna be good enough? How pretty much every day i come home to screams and scolding? How i havent seen my biological father in 11 years? How im so close to giving up? How all the drama at school isnt exactly helping me? How im trying to live day by day hoping things will get better and how im working so hard for it?

well yeah, i dont know if i am going to regret posting this, but i wrote it anyway.
This is a particularly revealing blog, but dont assume things, because this isnt even half of the story.

**didnt go to school today): got bronchitis from my brother.

why am i suddenly acquiring feelings for someone i havent seen in 11 years?
i dont even remember his name
but his face is embedded in my heart.
oh first puppy love. the inability to forget.
a million miles away.

and no, its not going to be one of those fairy tale endings
where the two spontaneously meet once again and live happily ever after.
seriously, nothing like that ever happens to me.

this is more like a little girl being stupid.
attempting to find an outlet for emotions after all that has happened to her.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

realizations
trickery
insanity
mystery
scandals
disappointments
confessions
drama
relief
fear
happiness
love...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i might be able to understand now...
but reassurance is needed.
the idea just hit me as i was sitting there, waiting for my crazy slow IBM laptop to load...
is this merely a tangled web of lies,
would they really work that hard for it?
or is it the truth, but why did they do what they did?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it seems as if
everything i have worked for
is crumbling down
the tower i have begun to build
was just bombed by time. last week to be specific :[

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Erin, were always like "THATS GOING IN THE BLOG TONIGHT!" when we accidentally stumble upon a smart comment in our conversations.
BUT I KEEP FORGETTING WHAT IT IS
lol
i think i have alzheimers already D:<
oh, and what happened to our plans?
those times in cluster where all we would talk about was that.
are we really going to put all that time to waste?
<3

LOL
ripped pants for good luck
"easier access"
sadistic oppurtunities
so many inside jokes
HAHAHAHAHA
blackie
tigre
sunny
oh my my my

;)

"happiness is where we find it, but rarely where we seek it"'

:)

WHAT HAPPENED?
:(

i just dont know anymore.
trust me, im not worth it.
wish i was, though.
but shes so much better[:

wow. havent blogged in a while.

had an interesting and emotional past few weeks.
so many thoughts running through my head.

today someone said something to me, that was COMPLETELY wrong.
they just assumed, and were so sure about it. if they only knew.
then again, why would i want them to? that just means im doing my job.
but it still frustrated me. YOU DONT KNOW ME.
and your not the only one going through "a lot".

;alkdjf;alkdf!
this is blowing everything out of proportion.
if you REALLYY look at it, everythings simple.
the next moment you look: more complications than ever before. i hate my wandering imagination.

next weeeek.
so much going on..you owe us >:D

I may tell you lots of things, but theres still a whole lot you dont know.
so again, dont assume.

GUHHHH
my my my(;
what an intriguing topic.

you know what?
im sorry you had me.
im sorry im a part of your life, because all you ever say is that i am a burden.
maybe i should cease to be so.
maybe you should do what you threaten to me every day.
you'll never understand.

PINOY FEAR FACTOR.
sooo much worse than US.
its like, pure torture. but i think its cool(:
REPRESENT lol

you know what i find so weird? multiple conversations i had with completely different people were about the same exact topics. and they said the exact same things. i was like, wow. DEJA VU.

"il never get over you getting over me"
^^^from a surprising conversation i had. you know who u are.
<3

so tired of EVERYTHING
the drama
restrictions
PEOPLE
ugh. its like, whats happening to everything?
i dont even care anymore.
because with whatever we put much thought into
it turns out we simply wasted our time. SO MUCH OF IT
so now, that is my new resolution: to not worry.
(:

high school dramatizes everything.
even the smallest details can become huge scandals, especially in oxford.
ONE word a person says can determine their reputation for the rest of their high school career.
its pure evil.

i now officially want to become a psychologist and learn more about
the simply complicated minds of people. a very interesting subject.
the career allows you to 1)make bank[; and 2)apply the lessons you learn at work to life and the people around you.
so its like hitting two birds with one stone.

i seriously hate how my mind works. one moment im convinced on something, and the next im totally against it. the pattern continues. its so frustratingg):
i guess its true that the filtering and thought processes for girls are more developed than that of guys. learned that today from a very interesting conversation with a very interesting substitute teacher :D

i think im on a music craze right now. dont know what i would do without it. its the only way i can truly feel like myself. guuhh im so bad with words, but somehow theres always a song that explains exactly how i feel<3

OH and to that 1 person [i think you know who you are]look at #15 on my playlist.
you should understand the newfound value of this song :P

fun!-- partay
awkwarddd-- person.
boring-- cuz of no internet/phone :/
full :O-- of delicious foood<3
witchy D:<-- PERSON!
scaryy-- STALKER
repetitive-- phone calls
falling-- trashbags 8P
weird-- friends ;]
cutee-- mr.collegeboy!<---thats right ;D
crazy-- weekend<3
tired-- me.

is wrong.
with.
you.

how different things would be
if i was just..open about everything.
if i just didnt keep anything
if i just told people about everything
would i have the same friends?
would people think of me the same way?

if i did, id just probably be considered as emo.
i dont want that.
not that i care what people think, but when someone is depressed all the time
after a certain point not many people would want to hang around with them anymore.
idk, i guess i like the way people are around me.
i like helping others with their problems
and worry about mine on my own.

i like being fairly positive most of the time though
have more fun that way
;]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

falling trashbags, confrontations, sense of humors, and certain hotlines with people repeating things like a MILLION times.
made up an interesting day yesterday

confrontations arent necessarily over yet.
working on that.

family partay todayy(: jollibees
gtg. write more lateeeer ;D

wow. if you think i put your problems beneath me, you are SO wrong.
in reality its the exact opposite. i dont think i am better than you in ANY way[in fact, im way worse] but im just trying to help.

wow seriously?
im getting so sick and tired of people being so depressed. i get all worried, and when i find out what the actual problem is, most times its not even that bad. im not one to judge, but still.
i mean, im not mad at anyone specifically or anything, but as a whole, its starting to get to me. i dont know, i guess i just want them to see things in a different light because what they are saying at times does not even make sense. yes, we ALL have problems, and the purpose of blogs are so that we can vent, but sometimes it gets a bit too much...when ALL the time its just depressing words. i mean, who would want to read something like that EVERY time? YES i want to know how everyone feels, but no offense, its just getting old.

im actually really happy right now. because i have a chance to prove myself and i KNOW im not going to let myself mess up like before.

bahahah i loved today's therapy session<3unspeakables, stalkers, and whatnot[first time ive used that word...?] lol. youre such a loser. btw, im still very very confuzzledd and undecided.

OMFG. SO MUCH DRAMA. JFDFOUEPROUFOUD. im not even kidding.

i miss youu a lot :( just had to say that lol. even though no one really knows<3

OH SHOOT i forgot to call you today :O DANGIT lol i just remembered right now
w/e il do it tomorrow xD

isnt it so weird that i finished all my homework at 5?! i got home like at 4:40
hehehhee then i slept.
:D

How could i expect YOU to understand?
and first of all, how could you TELL them?
yeah, go tell the whole freakn world.
God, is there ANY privacy?
and you expect me to TRUST you, and tell you EVERYTHING?!
well im not making that mistake anymore.
because now i have to endure all this...
and its killing me.

THANK GOD first semester's over. it has been by far the most eventful semester in all my years attending oxford. i am so grateful that once a year we are given a chance to start over anew, and forget about our mistakes and regrets in the past. to be able to fix ourselves, give us hope.

throughout life we are given oppurtunities and challenges. it is our decisions that determine whether our lives will become better or worse. It is up to us, and we cannot blame our mistakes on anything else.

a new semester
a new schedule
a new me.

more challenges
more fun
more memories.

okay, so my 5 1/2 hours of staying after school yesterday were spent in ways i did not expect.
i got to talk to people i dont normally talk to and ive come to realize that it is important not to judge or talk trash about topics you do not even know about. there are two sides to every story. and i actually had a pretty fun time with some freshman lol. ive come to like more people, but ive also gotten to dislike some.

hopefully the worst is over, and i cant wait to prove those who do not believe in me wrong ]:<

"If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

i seriously cant remember when all of this DRAMA started x__x;
wasnt it just last year when we were dreading our boring and uneventful lives?
ahh change. its unbelievable, yet inevitable. i just hope everything goes well though. to be able to go through ALL of this with the minimal amount of people getting hurt.

WHY THE EFF are guys so freaken terrified of talking to girls? i mean..come on. GET OVER YOURSELVES. <--i realized that today after my therapy session :P

to my dear therapist
you are right[AS ALWAYS]. you did make my day more interesting xD lol but i have to admit, it is amusing..you and all that...YEAHH hehehe :] i think i need retail/music/food therapy again<3

to uhh...that one person
you have to change. it's one thing to bring yourself down, but you canNOT take anyone else with you. Thats not the right thing to do, and this has gone too far. i dont even know what to do anymore.


well yeuhhh just to let u guys know, my mom made me drop choir so my schedule is like, all messed up now. so dont be surprised if i show up in a class during your period or something xD haha yeahh it sucks, and im going to miss choir. but its just one semester. Im definitely joining next year ;) and i get to see at the shows how everyone looks like onstage! ive never really gotten to do that because i was always a part of it. so thatll be something to look forward to<3

soooo my new schedule is
1. pe
2. spanish
3. health(cheyuhhh)
4. math
5. chem
6. history
7. english

hahaa dude i just realized my days are more balanced now :D my easy and hard classes are spread out! ehhehe second semester's hopefully gonna be easier now.

:DDD

"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have."

OMGAH
nothing makes sense anymore
nothing is certain
im gonna try this. im going to say what i want to say here
to certain people, but im not writing their names.
idc if they read this, but i just need to write it down.

1. wow, you guys. i told you. i was gonna do it myself, and i dont even know if im ready yet. What if its the wrong timing, and i decide that i DONT? That i dont want that kind of thing, and the complexities that come with it? It's just going to wind up hurting someone. None of us want that. Please, i tell you things and i need you to respect my decisions, and what i ask of you. I mean, if i gave you guys a straight answer, id be fine with what you did. but i didnt. so now i dont know if what youre telling me is true, if thats ALL you said. i really love and trust you.

2. YOU. dude, i really dont know why youre thinking that. you have a family, friends that love you(whether you like it or not >:]), a roof over your head, food to eat, etc. Theres so much for you to experience. Life may get difficult, like unbelievably, but dont do anything you'll regret. its not gonna be worth it.

3. This whole thing is so confusing. its like youre two completely different people. In person, so much fun and cool, but online sometimes its totally different. so i really dont know. hope youre not getting the wrong message though.

4. why do you have to overdramatize everything? too emotional, too needy, and im just so tired. It's been an incredibly long time, but ive changed. WEVE changed. I dont think we can go back to how things were before, especially if you keep running away.

5. You guys inspire me. im incredibly happy for you. Maybe one day id get to experience that. The story you have is amazing, and you should keep telling it to everyone and inspire others like you have me. The perfect evidence that you are never too young.

6. I am so sorry. i dont know what came over me. STUPIDITY. and im paying for it. i just regret incredibly that you do too, even if it wasnt exactly my fault.

7. I shouldve known that i couldnt trust you. i mean, DUH. idk i guess you were just there when i felt like telling.

8. yeeeeeeeeeee! omg soooo happy for you :DDD lol when you told me, i wasnt exactly surprised, but STILLLL! ;aljdf;alkdjf hahaha somehow i knew it, cuz im cool like that ;) haha and im just reallly glad im one of the few people you told<3

9. we totally have to talk more. dairy queen was funn! lets do it again :] ahha we need another field trip so i can learn more about how tasty orange chicken is ;))) lmao and how angels in heaven are like :D

10. omg! you totally couldnt be more perfect for himm(((: ily already and we havent even met! were definitely hanging out when you get backkkk.

11. i dont know/remember where you are right now, or even your name, but i miss you. it was so long ago, but somehow the image of you is still stuck in my head. haha remember mother giulia? good times, good times. i just hope somehow, someway, well see each other again(:
"my toes, my knees, my shoulder, my head" ;))))

12. please, please, stop it. its not helping you at all. think about your future. think about you-know-who<3 VOLDEMORT! lol i lalalaloves yah :] dude we have so many inside jokes its not even funny :D

13. I miss you a lot, we need to have one of our talks again. If only you could see what everyone else does: a BEAUTIFUL young woman with so many talents. SO much potential. All you need is confidence, and you'd be SO GREAT<3

14. you intrigue me. such an interesting person, that i look forward to see you whenever i can, which is seldom. I just want to figure you out.

15. Please stop bothering me. Get a life. i just cant be nice anymore, because apparently it doesnt get through your thick head.

16. Seriously, i thought youd be the LAST person id be talking to about those things. I actually, surprisingly enjoyed our conversations. Good thing i didnt judge you too soon(:


Okay i think thats most of it(:
dont ask me who i was talking about in these messages
if its you, you dont need me to tell you so. cuz you should know.
and these are all different people, although some are couples ;]

LOL.
"dont touch her flower or ill break your stem"
quote of theee day right there
:)

hahaha
you should listen to
"fifteen" by taylor swift.
very interesting song we can ALL relate to
in some way, at least right now.
yes thats right, erin
you too. ;]

POREUJAS:LKJD:LSAKJD
confusionnnn
dont know what to doo
well screw this, ill do whatever i want
and hope for the best
im so tired of living in paranoia and overanalyzation
like a very wise and NEVER wrong person tells me:
were too young to be overthinking things. high school is the time to be stupid and take risks.
well it was somewhere along those lines ;)
im sorry if i have bad memory lmao xP

ugh just got home. hungry. too lazy to write more. byee(:

bleh. i should be doing homework.
but screw that.

whats happening now?
everythings crumbling down.
secrets revealed.
scandals taking place.
since-forever feelings expressed.
depression and emo-ness all around
im exhausted.
and im gasping for air
even before i reach the water.
hyperventillating
panicking
;ALKDFJ;ALKJFD;ALKDJF

whats happening to me?
i used to be so good.
so good at hiding.
so good at keeping it all in, and i was content with that.
hmm im still pretty good with suppression
which is a positive thing for me.

oh well, at least i havent revealed a lot. which is good
what will they think if i do?
hmm i guess ill never find out.

im too afraid



aj;lajfldsajf;ajf ive been having lapses of sadness, insecurity, depression, etc. lately.
then a little bit later i'm back to optimism, faith, and hope. so weird.
but i guess its a good thing for me :D


"Don't live in the past or you just might lose your future."

wow. today was a pretty....interesting day.
it opened my eyes and made me realize that adulthood is not far away at all
and we will be exposed to certain things
and situations
in which we must choose how we act during that time and consider all the consequences.
but as the saying goes: easier said than done.

i had so much fun. more than i have in SUCH a long time.
now i understand people that i thought were complete idiots
in the past. like, why would they do THAT? its SO STUPID.
everything's so much clearer.

life isnt so boring now. especially compared to before.
i guess all i had to do was wait and eventually something did happen.

all the secrets.
all the scandals.
all the problems.
all the pressure.
all the fun.
all the people.
all the emotions.

welcome to life. the real world.
i am terrified and ecstatic at the same time.


"life is short. live a little."

today made me realize just how
indifferent i am.

nothing special.
not good at anything i do.
in fact, i never even finish anything i start.
not the best at anything.
not the smartest
not the best personality
not the prettiest
not the one that everyone wants to be friends with
not the one that people come to first
not the one who plays whatever instrument really well
not the best singer
not the best writer
not the best dancer
not the coolest

the one who always messes up
the one who never does anything right
the one who is forgetful
the one who doesnt matter
the one who's the backup
the one who's shallow
the one who just doesnt belong.

oh i could go on forever.
i am and will always be just another face in the crowd.

yeah, people will say otherwise in order to lift my spirits
but that is the sole reason.
im not looking for pity
not looking for compliments
i just want to share my thoughts.

i am eternally grateful for all the people in my life<3
i am so lucky...blessed...spoiled if u will.

yes, extremely insecure blog post, right?
well, it is what fills my insanely confused head right now.

wow, what a year.

so many memories
countless events
heaps of laughter
millions of tears
billions of smiles
life-changing heart to heart conversations
infinite amount of...changes.

Time really does fly by.
its unbelievable how my life has changed
now that i look back from the first day of 2008.
i can only imagine
how different of a person i will be
how different things will be
one year from today.

haha i guess only time will tell.
im ready to find out.
and experience new things.
whatever this new year holds for me
i try to face with an open mind
:DDDDDD

lol and its gonna take me at least a month to get used to writing 2009 on all my papers
x]