simply complicated

I dont know what's wrong with me.
for some reason ive started to become more open with people
regarding my life and problems in general.
but im not going to let myself be in the situation that i was in before.
no way. its hard, because people just assume they know so much about you, and judge your actions and outlook on life in a way that is so wrong.
"yeah, shes so optimistic and smiles all the time, she probably hasnt experienced that many problems..."
maybe shes just good at supressing those types of things?
i just want to tell them everything, and make them understand. but that is just not the right thing to do. sometimes i wonder how it would feel if someone did know everything...will it give me that sense of relief i have been yearning for, or endless nerves worrying, and hoping that they keep their promise?...unlike before.

i think, i really need to get over my past. its not easy, but it has been a while. when you really think about it, theres no sense in living the present based on the past, because it will affect your future. If you keep doing so, change will never happen. its going to be hard, but im trying(: anything is possible with God, and i am so happy i have him by my side.

It's so funny how life turns out. Plans never work, and surprises never cease to fail. No matter our efforts to try to control every little aspect, it just isnt successful.

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One day my mom shows up at our door, with a man... that's our new "dad".
and all of a sudden, we're supposedly a family. no warning, nothing. but then again, i was too young to understand. Seven years. seven whole years. He does the most disgusting things, and they expect me to call him "dad" and "love" him? Do they even know? How he has worse of a temper than me during PMS? How he cracks the most disgusting jokes, and drinks every week like theres no tomorrow? How he influenced my mom to smoke more, when she promised me she would quit 3 years before? How my siblings and i constantly get sick because of their habits? How my mom doesnt even begin to understand me, and she wonders why im so "messed up?" How im grounded pretty much the whole year, left to my thoughts wondering what i did that was so wrong. How im never gonna be good enough? How pretty much every day i come home to screams and scolding? How i havent seen my biological father in 11 years? How im so close to giving up? How all the drama at school isnt exactly helping me? How im trying to live day by day hoping things will get better and how im working so hard for it?

well yeah, i dont know if i am going to regret posting this, but i wrote it anyway.
This is a particularly revealing blog, but dont assume things, because this isnt even half of the story.

**didnt go to school today): got bronchitis from my brother.