simply complicated

How could i expect YOU to understand?
and first of all, how could you TELL them?
yeah, go tell the whole freakn world.
God, is there ANY privacy?
and you expect me to TRUST you, and tell you EVERYTHING?!
well im not making that mistake anymore.
because now i have to endure all this...
and its killing me.

THANK GOD first semester's over. it has been by far the most eventful semester in all my years attending oxford. i am so grateful that once a year we are given a chance to start over anew, and forget about our mistakes and regrets in the past. to be able to fix ourselves, give us hope.

throughout life we are given oppurtunities and challenges. it is our decisions that determine whether our lives will become better or worse. It is up to us, and we cannot blame our mistakes on anything else.

a new semester
a new schedule
a new me.

more challenges
more fun
more memories.

okay, so my 5 1/2 hours of staying after school yesterday were spent in ways i did not expect.
i got to talk to people i dont normally talk to and ive come to realize that it is important not to judge or talk trash about topics you do not even know about. there are two sides to every story. and i actually had a pretty fun time with some freshman lol. ive come to like more people, but ive also gotten to dislike some.

hopefully the worst is over, and i cant wait to prove those who do not believe in me wrong ]:<

"If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

i seriously cant remember when all of this DRAMA started x__x;
wasnt it just last year when we were dreading our boring and uneventful lives?
ahh change. its unbelievable, yet inevitable. i just hope everything goes well though. to be able to go through ALL of this with the minimal amount of people getting hurt.

WHY THE EFF are guys so freaken terrified of talking to girls? i mean..come on. GET OVER YOURSELVES. <--i realized that today after my therapy session :P

to my dear therapist
you are right[AS ALWAYS]. you did make my day more interesting xD lol but i have to admit, it is amusing..you and all that...YEAHH hehehe :] i think i need retail/music/food therapy again<3

to uhh...that one person
you have to change. it's one thing to bring yourself down, but you canNOT take anyone else with you. Thats not the right thing to do, and this has gone too far. i dont even know what to do anymore.


well yeuhhh just to let u guys know, my mom made me drop choir so my schedule is like, all messed up now. so dont be surprised if i show up in a class during your period or something xD haha yeahh it sucks, and im going to miss choir. but its just one semester. Im definitely joining next year ;) and i get to see at the shows how everyone looks like onstage! ive never really gotten to do that because i was always a part of it. so thatll be something to look forward to<3

soooo my new schedule is
1. pe
2. spanish
3. health(cheyuhhh)
4. math
5. chem
6. history
7. english

hahaa dude i just realized my days are more balanced now :D my easy and hard classes are spread out! ehhehe second semester's hopefully gonna be easier now.

:DDD

"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have."

OMGAH
nothing makes sense anymore
nothing is certain
im gonna try this. im going to say what i want to say here
to certain people, but im not writing their names.
idc if they read this, but i just need to write it down.

1. wow, you guys. i told you. i was gonna do it myself, and i dont even know if im ready yet. What if its the wrong timing, and i decide that i DONT? That i dont want that kind of thing, and the complexities that come with it? It's just going to wind up hurting someone. None of us want that. Please, i tell you things and i need you to respect my decisions, and what i ask of you. I mean, if i gave you guys a straight answer, id be fine with what you did. but i didnt. so now i dont know if what youre telling me is true, if thats ALL you said. i really love and trust you.

2. YOU. dude, i really dont know why youre thinking that. you have a family, friends that love you(whether you like it or not >:]), a roof over your head, food to eat, etc. Theres so much for you to experience. Life may get difficult, like unbelievably, but dont do anything you'll regret. its not gonna be worth it.

3. This whole thing is so confusing. its like youre two completely different people. In person, so much fun and cool, but online sometimes its totally different. so i really dont know. hope youre not getting the wrong message though.

4. why do you have to overdramatize everything? too emotional, too needy, and im just so tired. It's been an incredibly long time, but ive changed. WEVE changed. I dont think we can go back to how things were before, especially if you keep running away.

5. You guys inspire me. im incredibly happy for you. Maybe one day id get to experience that. The story you have is amazing, and you should keep telling it to everyone and inspire others like you have me. The perfect evidence that you are never too young.

6. I am so sorry. i dont know what came over me. STUPIDITY. and im paying for it. i just regret incredibly that you do too, even if it wasnt exactly my fault.

7. I shouldve known that i couldnt trust you. i mean, DUH. idk i guess you were just there when i felt like telling.

8. yeeeeeeeeeee! omg soooo happy for you :DDD lol when you told me, i wasnt exactly surprised, but STILLLL! ;aljdf;alkdjf hahaha somehow i knew it, cuz im cool like that ;) haha and im just reallly glad im one of the few people you told<3

9. we totally have to talk more. dairy queen was funn! lets do it again :] ahha we need another field trip so i can learn more about how tasty orange chicken is ;))) lmao and how angels in heaven are like :D

10. omg! you totally couldnt be more perfect for himm(((: ily already and we havent even met! were definitely hanging out when you get backkkk.

11. i dont know/remember where you are right now, or even your name, but i miss you. it was so long ago, but somehow the image of you is still stuck in my head. haha remember mother giulia? good times, good times. i just hope somehow, someway, well see each other again(:
"my toes, my knees, my shoulder, my head" ;))))

12. please, please, stop it. its not helping you at all. think about your future. think about you-know-who<3 VOLDEMORT! lol i lalalaloves yah :] dude we have so many inside jokes its not even funny :D

13. I miss you a lot, we need to have one of our talks again. If only you could see what everyone else does: a BEAUTIFUL young woman with so many talents. SO much potential. All you need is confidence, and you'd be SO GREAT<3

14. you intrigue me. such an interesting person, that i look forward to see you whenever i can, which is seldom. I just want to figure you out.

15. Please stop bothering me. Get a life. i just cant be nice anymore, because apparently it doesnt get through your thick head.

16. Seriously, i thought youd be the LAST person id be talking to about those things. I actually, surprisingly enjoyed our conversations. Good thing i didnt judge you too soon(:


Okay i think thats most of it(:
dont ask me who i was talking about in these messages
if its you, you dont need me to tell you so. cuz you should know.
and these are all different people, although some are couples ;]

LOL.
"dont touch her flower or ill break your stem"
quote of theee day right there
:)

hahaha
you should listen to
"fifteen" by taylor swift.
very interesting song we can ALL relate to
in some way, at least right now.
yes thats right, erin
you too. ;]

POREUJAS:LKJD:LSAKJD
confusionnnn
dont know what to doo
well screw this, ill do whatever i want
and hope for the best
im so tired of living in paranoia and overanalyzation
like a very wise and NEVER wrong person tells me:
were too young to be overthinking things. high school is the time to be stupid and take risks.
well it was somewhere along those lines ;)
im sorry if i have bad memory lmao xP

ugh just got home. hungry. too lazy to write more. byee(:

bleh. i should be doing homework.
but screw that.

whats happening now?
everythings crumbling down.
secrets revealed.
scandals taking place.
since-forever feelings expressed.
depression and emo-ness all around
im exhausted.
and im gasping for air
even before i reach the water.
hyperventillating
panicking
;ALKDFJ;ALKJFD;ALKDJF

whats happening to me?
i used to be so good.
so good at hiding.
so good at keeping it all in, and i was content with that.
hmm im still pretty good with suppression
which is a positive thing for me.

oh well, at least i havent revealed a lot. which is good
what will they think if i do?
hmm i guess ill never find out.

im too afraid



aj;lajfldsajf;ajf ive been having lapses of sadness, insecurity, depression, etc. lately.
then a little bit later i'm back to optimism, faith, and hope. so weird.
but i guess its a good thing for me :D


"Don't live in the past or you just might lose your future."

wow. today was a pretty....interesting day.
it opened my eyes and made me realize that adulthood is not far away at all
and we will be exposed to certain things
and situations
in which we must choose how we act during that time and consider all the consequences.
but as the saying goes: easier said than done.

i had so much fun. more than i have in SUCH a long time.
now i understand people that i thought were complete idiots
in the past. like, why would they do THAT? its SO STUPID.
everything's so much clearer.

life isnt so boring now. especially compared to before.
i guess all i had to do was wait and eventually something did happen.

all the secrets.
all the scandals.
all the problems.
all the pressure.
all the fun.
all the people.
all the emotions.

welcome to life. the real world.
i am terrified and ecstatic at the same time.


"life is short. live a little."

today made me realize just how
indifferent i am.

nothing special.
not good at anything i do.
in fact, i never even finish anything i start.
not the best at anything.
not the smartest
not the best personality
not the prettiest
not the one that everyone wants to be friends with
not the one that people come to first
not the one who plays whatever instrument really well
not the best singer
not the best writer
not the best dancer
not the coolest

the one who always messes up
the one who never does anything right
the one who is forgetful
the one who doesnt matter
the one who's the backup
the one who's shallow
the one who just doesnt belong.

oh i could go on forever.
i am and will always be just another face in the crowd.

yeah, people will say otherwise in order to lift my spirits
but that is the sole reason.
im not looking for pity
not looking for compliments
i just want to share my thoughts.

i am eternally grateful for all the people in my life<3
i am so lucky...blessed...spoiled if u will.

yes, extremely insecure blog post, right?
well, it is what fills my insanely confused head right now.

wow, what a year.

so many memories
countless events
heaps of laughter
millions of tears
billions of smiles
life-changing heart to heart conversations
infinite amount of...changes.

Time really does fly by.
its unbelievable how my life has changed
now that i look back from the first day of 2008.
i can only imagine
how different of a person i will be
how different things will be
one year from today.

haha i guess only time will tell.
im ready to find out.
and experience new things.
whatever this new year holds for me
i try to face with an open mind
:DDDDDD

lol and its gonna take me at least a month to get used to writing 2009 on all my papers
x]