I realized Tumblr's more for "reblogging" when you see something you like, and this blog is all for me to create. I've missed that. My original thoughts blurted onto this page.
The person that last posted on this website and the person typing now is irrevocably different. This year, by far, has sucked the most immaturity out of me. I've experienced situations with gravity so forceful, no one would walk away the same. My view on the world has changed. The sun shines bright and the sky is clear, but I am stuck wondering at its beauty through blinds and glass from inside my prison. No, this is not merely a physical prison, but mental and emotional as well. Every flame of hope sparked each day, extinguished before the next. No, I will not run out of hope, because the night is darkest before dawn. I sure hope the sun in my life is on it's way, because I don't know how long I can endure this.
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You lessened my faith in humanity. It is UNBELIEVABLE what you did. Oh the manipulation sickens me to no end. No one has ever lied to me like that. The ironic part is, even if you told me the truth, I would have accepted and understood fully, but no, you chose to hurt others and put me in ignorance regarding every situation. You are not a victim. You are a monster. I could almost hate you for what you made me go through, but I cannot hate anyone, no matter how many lies you have told. Such a hypocrite. How can someone claim to live a God-filled life when they hurt others and themselves on purpose constantly? I will never believe a word that comes out of your mouth, believe that.
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I know I have lived a mere 16 years, but do not assume that I am stupid and naive about life. I AM responsible, believe it or not, and it hurts that I am not even trusted to hold a key to the house. Your mindset is "What in the world could a teenager go through that's SO bad? They don't have that many problems." and I cannot change that. But I hate it when people assume about me and my life, because no one really knows except what I tell them. YOU don't know anything because everytime I do tell you about my situations, you always somehow turn it against me in the future. I will not make that same mistake again. Please I beg of you, don't laugh anymore while I break down in front of you, appealing for your trust. You think you understand me, in fact you're so certain you are, but how come you cannot see that what you are doing is slowly sucking the life and hope out of me? Believe it or not this isn't the best way to raise a child.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
don't know what to do.
YouthForChrist retreat...indescribable.
life-changing.
unexpected.
amazing.
i don't even know where to start. i came into that camp knowing only one person,
and by the end of two days, i had experienced so many laughs, highs, lows, tears, and made friendships that i am certain will last a very long time. i found out i can relate with these people more than i ever thought possible. they are absolutely hilarious, fun, talented, smart, and just plain good-hearted. the enviornment was warm and welcoming. i felt like i belonged. all of us were one, especially while singing. We all cried together, laughed together, sang together, worshipped God together.
I have never gotten so close to people in a span of two days, it's unbelievable.
God brings people together in incredible ways.
there is more to life than school and boys. MUCH more. i just wish more people realized that.
single most amazing experience in my life.
i learned so much. to not be ashamed. to love. to know i am never alone. to know i am forgiven. i received the holy spirit, and the feeling was amazing. my body was shaking, as my body was cleansed. i am a new person, with a clean slate. and i have a new family now, with amazing people <3 YOUTH FOR CHRIST.
this type of high totallyy beats out anything drugs, alcohol, or cutting can do. it's exactly what i needed in my life.
i don't think i have really lived until this weekend.
it's so difficult to find the right words to write on here, because the experience was just...wow.
it was so emotional to the point that i almost ran out of tears. and not because i was sad...the complete opposite, actually (:
"one way Jesus, You're the only one that I could live for"
You were the one that made me feel firsthand how to love.
Our relationship was one that lasted, no matter what happened.
We stayed friends, a million miles apart.
You were my first crush.
You were my first "puppy love" dare i say it.
You were my best friend then, and still remain to be one of the closest people to me today.
You lived there. i lived here. we were still us, as if nothing had changed.
We grew up, changed, but still kept in touch. Because you're just so amazing.
You let me see life in such a beautiful way. You made me better.
So talented.
So kind-hearted.
So loving.
So AMAZING.
Our promise...I will never ever forget. God knows I will still keep it.
Although you may not be here in person to experience it with me,
you'll be in my heart, and that is enough <3
Bestprend, I never anticipated this, and neither did you, I'm sure..
I'm sad i did not have the chance to spend more time with you
but neither bitterness or regret fill my body. Instead it is love. This is God's plan. You're in a much better place.
I will always miss you.
i love you.
see you again someday.
say hi to Lolo for me up there in Heaven.
R.I.P. JULIUS <333
sing for me again someday ;]
"dancin' in the moonlight. everybody's feeling warm and bright, it's such a fine and natural sight"
screw tumblr :]
i'm glad we saw a certain animal's true colors
and that you're moving on<3
remember, "No man is worth your tears, and the ONE who is, won't make you cry."
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who cares what other people think. i want to talk to you. i want you to know you can relate to me, because when i went through those things, no one was there..no one knew. and it was hard. impossibly hard in every way imaginable...i don't want you to experience the same pain, because no one deserves that.
there IS good inside everyone. it just takes a little look closer to see it in some cases.
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i don't even know where to start with this. i don't know what to do. every time i look at you, so vulnerable yet incredibly strong, it makes all the things in my life seem so insignificant. i'm yearning to say something.
to hug you tightly and never let go.
to tell you i'm sorry for everything, and that i love you.
i want to say thank you,
for being there when even my own mother was not. for raising me.
[you are the one person who is closest to me, who put up with me, and helped me the most.]
for being the most wonderful person.
but i can't.
please don't go.
i promise to listen from now on.
i promise to spend more time with you.
i promise to be extra respectful.
i promise to always finish my food.
i promise to wash the dishes the first time you tell me to.
i promise to sing for you whenever you want me to sing karaoke.
i promise to always pray.
i promise to do everything you've asked me to.
just please don't go. not yet.
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you're my first for a lot of things. you always make me smile, no matter how bad my day might have been. i feel happier just by you being by my side. and i feel so lucky to have you in my life <3
http://theresamountain.tumblr.com/
follow me so i can find people haha
<33 blogger has been with me through some tough times. ima miss this.
last post on this site :D unless i decide to come back to it.
ehhhh nevermind ill still keep this, but ill be more active on tumblr =]
"i'm genuinely happy for the first time in my life"
waay too many emotions and thoughts are lingering in my head than could possibly be considered healthy.
pressure
flattery
nostalgia
guilt
happiness
love
humiliation
anxiety
excitement
fear
anger
insecurity
trust
confusion
this week made such a complete turn, for the worse.
monday and tuesday were amazinng :]
i'm so thankful for all the thought that was put into it
and how amazing you guys are<3 i cant even put it into words.
then stuff started popping up
to ruin things.
[who knew all of this drama would have almost nothing to do with formal?]
am i witnessing the collapse of...everything?
i dont know who to trust anymore.
or what to do.
whenever someone tells me something, a voice inside my head questions whether or not to believe them. people can be so deceitful.
did i do something wrong?
am i a bad friend?
do i deserve this in some way?
am i responsible? i honestly don't know.
i can't just ignore this. i can't.
it won't pass by itself.
high school has turned into one of those catty girl books
when everyone has a huge secret, people turn on each other,
where [a lot of] guys are jerks and girls are witches,
when too much drama happens
and where everything is so shallow and superficial.
btw, i might act like it sometimes, but i'm not stupid. don't think you can fool me so easily.
I AM SO EEFFFING PISSED. no. ANGRY. i swear. it's over. i am not gonna let anything else happen. for their sake... it better not be true.
time to turn to my best, most useful medicine: singing my heart out to music blasting in my room without a care in the world, even for a little while :]
p.s. i'm just so grateful for the people responsible for those moments, during the worst days, that make me smile and laughh to no end <3
"when i am alone, i unconsciously smile to myself more often than ever before."
everything depends on perspective.
life can be confusing. or simple.
it can be filled with evil. or good.
we can be drowned in tears of sadness. or joy...
depending on how one sees everything.
what determines this, though? genetics? innate personality?
enviornmental influences? past experiences? everyone affects each other in one way or another.
Life is pretty good right now :] I have learned to suppress all or most of the negative feelings and experiences. I dont feel the urge to explain everything anymore just so they can understand. It's just not worth it. Judge me, sure. I dont care. but don't say you know me, unless you really do. I just might surprise you.
Life is too short to dwell on the past. All we can do is hope and work for a better future.
I hope you see things as i have learned to. Maybe we do not share the same experiences that caused us to become the people we are, but trust me...
life
all of it
is worth it.
the tears will eventually turn to laughter, if you let it.
frowns will turn to smiles
it can only get better from here.
give it a chance.
give yourself a chance.
give love a chance.
give life a chance. it wont let you down.
you are special. especially to me. cmon, i just dedicated this whole blog to you ;P <3
"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."
you introduced this quote to me.[& i live by it]
what mr. hogan said will definitely stick to me forever:
"the secret to life is being able to experience two completely conflicting emotions at once."
he went on to tell us about how his parents were so close to divorce when he was just a bit older than we are, but decided to stick it out because they know better times will come, and that they looked at marriage as a whole and not to halt it because of one unfortunate time. I love how he related all of this to the music we were studying. His words truly touched me in a way i never thought possible.
i guess i could relate to that. but if my parents didnt divorce i'd still be in philippines right now, and life as i know it probably would not exist at all. I guess everything does happen for a reason, even if they do seem awful at the time.
"sometimes the dreams that come true are the ones you never knew you had"
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People talk of things. but how does one know who, or what to believe? They say i can trust them, but can i really? i don't know.
the past has taught me that assumptions lead to negative consequences.
so i will not make assumptions whatsoever.
sighh, love is in the air for a lot of people(no, not me lol)
i truly hope everything works out, and history doesnt repeat itself.
but it's high school. everyone overdramatizes everything. but we can only hope for the best :]
"things somehow always work out"
"shh. don't jynx it!"
been in an extremely bad/depressed/tired mood latelyy.
can you blame me though?
it just gets worse everyday.
al;ksdfj whatever. im useed to it.
soo messed up though.
even the sunniest places can have rainy days.
i like vanilla bean, oreos, and key lime pie.
no, i just like the shade of green on the pie ;]
tigres and certain situations seem promising :D
"fifth wheel!" oh weeell at least im the only one not in denial.
how do you find the line between false assumptions and simple ignorance?
and fyi, i can touch all the basketballs i want :P
oh and to a certain someone: dont do it. its so not worth it. trust me.
youre one of the best, most amazing and wonderful people i know.
"cause if you jump i will jump too" ~skyway avenue
baby are you down down down down down?
;]
loooooved it.
no pressure.
no guys. kinda.
friends.
forever.
the floor.
the beat.
my feet.
(:
its coming back again.
died down during summer, but i guess
it came with the school year.
fun fun fun.
anywayy, ive been thinking about past friendships
that ive had over the years...
its like, during that time youd think that the friendship
would be worth something to both of the people
and that nothing could stop that powerful relationship
but in the end they just forget, or it didnt mean anything to them.
and now that "strong" friendship is reduced to a mere greeting in the hallway.
but its ok and im glad cus this is how i determine who my real friends are ;]
junior years pretty scary, but i can do it :) if i work hard and change my habits,
blahblahblah.
i just love how we "came back from where we left off"
and that "nothings changed" LOL
my my my.
MY MY MY.
aye aye aye.
seriously, STOP BEING SO IGNORANTT >:O but
thats who you are loll
so well just see whatll happen in the future ;]
wow. why am i even thinking about this?
i made a promise to myself never to do so.
to forget about it.
why?
"i can feel sad if i want to."
is such a good day....
not.
you can drive at 16
go to clubs at 18
drink at 21
retire at 65
but whoever set the age to fall in love?
who says you have to be a certain age to do certain things?
with age comes wisdom: that's a total lie.
growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
but how do we know when it's time to grow up,
and when it's time to enjoy our youth?
things or people that may make you happier right now
might just ruin you later on.
do we live in the moment? or do we continue with our lives
always wondering what couldve been?
on the other hand, should we regard the future more than the present?
is it really more important?
just some things that popped into my mind today cus of recent events.
time will tell. it always does.
the day before yesterday my dad called me from the philippines.
we had this conversation and he ended up making me promise
to attend oxford until i finish high school.
sooo im coming back to oxfordd :D
i just hate the summer homework that i have to do now.
played guitar hero world tour for the FIRST time. it was soo much fun!
i seriously want to get it now.
i suck at guitar though. drums are my thing ;]
internet priviledges are FINALLY backk. im improving my RHETORICAL skills. omg
homework is getting to me :O so yeahh, i dont have to sneak anymore.
im listening to a broader range of music now.
im more into alternative bands now rather than just mainstream solo artists(:
hopefully certain PEOPLE wont criticize my choice in music. ahahha
oh and im soo excited for a certain someone (:
i think im destined to be there to CAPTURE the moments.
hehehhe and post those moments on facebook?
lol just kiddinggg. but yeah, im so glad something finally happened.
man, i miss my friends sooo much >:[
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im getting used to life as it is.
its restrictions
the people
the obstacles
the sacrifices, etc.
theres just no use in complaining anymore. it gets no one nowhere.
ill just wait for something good or exciting to happen.
it has to come eventuallyy. ill be happier staying positive, especially
if theres nothing i can do about it.
"Love life and life will love you back."
hopefully that's true.
havent posted a blog in a whilee. ive been pretty busy this summer
with volunteer stuff, babysitting, school, and hanging out, mostly with the fam.
ahahha oh well, at least i dont spend the whole day at the computer anymore lol.
IM SO HAPPY "HYPERVENTILATING" for someone who told me something good happened to them ;) bahhahahaha omg, seriously i started screaming when you told me <33 FINALLY!
summer school
its alright i guess. SOOO boring, but i have some people to help with thatt :)
bahahha i kinda feel bad because i always drag ariana to the lunch line so i can see someone. HEHE.
class is filled with weirdos. ugh. and my FRIENDS are no help at all -___- laughing at me... whenever some people..yeahh >:[
the work is so easy i can finish in like a minute.
i dyed my hair :O
the first time in my lifee. light brown highlights.
i guess it turned out okayy. its something different.
vickyy its your turn! hehe DYE YOUR HAIR(:
and i DONT act like a blonde. hehe
oxford?
still undecided, but it seems like, im coming back next yearr :]
the summer homework really isnt helping me with wanting to come back,
but ehhh.
my friends better be worth it! HAHA of course you guys are<3 i guess..
bahahha.
yesterday i spent 3 1/2 hours sitting at the doctors office because my moms stomach was hurting. we were supposed to watch proposal, but that didnt work out. we ate in-n-out instead :D heheh
well, i still need to hang out with a lot people this summer.
so LETS MAKE PLANS :D
im so freaking scared.
but excited just the same.
aahh i dont know what to do with myselff
the mind is a whirlwind.
;aldksjf! is the best way i can explain
my thoughts.
i dont think im playing mario anymore.
im pretty sure ill lose.
gah i want rainy days to come ;]
lorros should ask tigres something already!
my situation should confess!
people should stop being pissed at me for thinking about leaving oxford. i mean, what good will it do? its not going to influence my decision...
i hope the last 2 days of school will wrap up certain things that have been going on this year. we cant leave certain "things" unfinished.
im really gonna miss the people who are leaving oxford for sure<3
hah i wonder when hogan will put up the choir classess cause id prefer to be in advanced girls..
found out today we're not getting a house, but im moving out of this roach/flea/ant/spider-infested apartment! ;]
finally getting an allowance to save up for an ipod. itll take 7 1/2 months, but thats okayyy :D
without music, i would die.
today was fun. who knew baby showers could make me sweat. lool!
i wonder who'll win the bet between erin and me. only summer will tell <3
i'm trying to be ready for whatever the future throws me. it's beyond my control, so why fret?
i seriously wish i could read people's minds.
ughh it get so annoying when people start conversations about a few certain someones, assuming that i would care, because of what happened before.
just let me do what i want. its my life and none of it is for your amusement.
“Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not yet understood”
this is so cuteee. i wonder if its true. LOL
Why do boys fall in love with girls?
(This was written by a guy)
it’s so sweet!
1. They will always smell good even if it’s just shampoo.
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our
shoulder.
3. How cute they look when they sleep.
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms.
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right
in the world.
6. How cute they are when they eat.
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while.
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside.
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear.
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she’s the most beautiful girl on this earth.
11. How cute they are when they argue.
12. The way her hand always finds yours.
13. The way they smile.
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the your cell after you just had a big fight.
15. The way she says “lets not fight anymore” - even though you
know that an hour later....
16. The way that they kiss after you have had a fight.
17. The way they kiss you when you say “I love you”.
18. Actually...Just the way they kiss you…
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry.
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly.
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt. * i think every girl is guilty of this
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don’t admit it).
23. The way they say “I miss you”.
24. The way you miss them.
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn’t hurt her anymore...Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or
know that you would die without them it matters not. Because once in
your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to
you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their
souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart.
A feeling. Only felt.
i'm so over it.
you're just unbelievably stupid.
everything was a waste of time and energy,
one of the few things in my life that i regret.
oh well, it's your loss :]
BTW, don't talk to me again.
