simply complicated

i love this feeling.
no pressure
nothing to worry about.
look at each person with equality
now i can actually focus more on the things i need to focus on..sort myself out.
hopefully this will last till summer(;

i love the feeling of not liking anyone
right now.
:]

why is it so common? UNBELIEVABLE.
how can someone be SO stupid.
that they ruin their life over and over again
even though they are saved by friends, family, and God.
they still screw themselves.

millions of dollars gone. wasted? disappeared?
screw yourself over, but not other people!
theyre the ones affected most.
i PROMISE myself i will never be that stupid. ever.

i seriously think i am.
other than the fact i slept for about five hours earlier..
maybe nocturnal is a more fitting word.
sooo whatever that is, it's the reason i am writing a blog at 3am.

my mind has been hopping to boundaries unexplored.
i cant even think of one thing to write about because i want to say so much.
yet so little comes out. my head is a whirlwind. maybe thats why ive been getting bad headaches? xP
maybe its just fatigue. idk.

things have died down, thankfully. this wasnt my ideal outcome but whatever, il get over it. i still just need to clear things up, or else my mind wont be at peace.

this willy wonka rally SUCKEDD. our class totally failed because half of the people were out for sports :[ and matic didnt exactly help with the "hyper" mood we usually get at that time because she was being a total pms machine. UGH she used to be so cool.

oh and
btw.
OOOHMYGOSHHH im so happy for you guys[you know who you are]! when i heard that, i was like O_O---> :O --->8D

yeee!

anyway im gonna go try to sleep now(:

like everyone has been posting blogs about sadies
so il follow the "trend" (:

it was sooo much fun!
the way everything worked out was never the way i planned or imagined it, but i dont regret anything. my scanner doesnt work so i cant put my pictures online :[ so yeah haha. il figure out a way.
and we supposedly got the "bad" photographer, thats why our pictures weren't as good as others T.T but its okayyy.
and i was RIGHT for "forcing" vicky to go :P you and i both know you wanted to go anyway.
the night was not nearly as awkward as i imagined it. lol i laughed so much.
for ONE night NOBODY talked about homework or school, for once not a care in the world, which was unbelievably great.
they should have this type of thing more often. oxford kids need it!

PS vicky it was what i said it was![what i said on aim about the upbeat song] just ask anyone ;P oh and that project i dont have hope for.. but YOU do!<3

blehh. back to reality. still on sadies high though(:

SO CONFUSED.
O__________O

I saw this colorgenics thing on Erin's blog and thought it was interesting.
so i tried it(:


Name: theresa
Date: 3/10/2009
Colorgenics Number: 05763241


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out.

You haven't been feeling that great lately. Both physically and mentally you are exhausted. To your best friends, those who know you and love you, it shows. Your self esteem has been reduced almost to a minimum and in order to recover - and recover you will - it is necessary that you get away from it all, even if it be only for a few days.

Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.

You are experiencing extreme emotional disappointment because it would seem that a particular relationship is no longer running smoothly. You would like to break away from this involvement completely and yet, if this were to happen, then its possible that something very important to you would be lost. You are in a quandary. You are not sure which way to turn. So on the one hand, you would like to free yourself from this attachment altogether, yet on the other, you do not want to lose anything nor risk uncertainty and the possibility of further disappointment. These contradictory and opposing emotions are now causing you considerable stress but you are putting on a brave face.

Be it through unfulfilled emotional requirements, whatever the circumstances you are experiencing considerable stress, be it mental or physical. To your credit you are attempting to escape from this by endeavouring to create a semblance of peace and serenity by refusing to allow yourself to be involved. You have the strength to 'pull through' and all indications are that you will... perhaps sooner than you even believed possible.



this is unbelievable...ITS SO TRUE. WOW. LOL
<3

i thought i could trust you.
you were one of my best friends.
but it's okay
now i know better.

---------------------------------------------

somehow, in some way, anyone...
no matter who,
can shine a small light
in a dark room.
what if we all shone our little lights?
then the whole world will be brighter.

you can make a difference, even if you think
you cant. people tell themselves
you are just ONE person
you are just human
you are just YOU.
well, YOU are wonderful.
YOU can change the world.
YOU can change yourself.
its not too late.
just dont wait until it actually is.

I dont know what's wrong with me.
for some reason ive started to become more open with people
regarding my life and problems in general.
but im not going to let myself be in the situation that i was in before.
no way. its hard, because people just assume they know so much about you, and judge your actions and outlook on life in a way that is so wrong.
"yeah, shes so optimistic and smiles all the time, she probably hasnt experienced that many problems..."
maybe shes just good at supressing those types of things?
i just want to tell them everything, and make them understand. but that is just not the right thing to do. sometimes i wonder how it would feel if someone did know everything...will it give me that sense of relief i have been yearning for, or endless nerves worrying, and hoping that they keep their promise?...unlike before.

i think, i really need to get over my past. its not easy, but it has been a while. when you really think about it, theres no sense in living the present based on the past, because it will affect your future. If you keep doing so, change will never happen. its going to be hard, but im trying(: anything is possible with God, and i am so happy i have him by my side.

It's so funny how life turns out. Plans never work, and surprises never cease to fail. No matter our efforts to try to control every little aspect, it just isnt successful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day my mom shows up at our door, with a man... that's our new "dad".
and all of a sudden, we're supposedly a family. no warning, nothing. but then again, i was too young to understand. Seven years. seven whole years. He does the most disgusting things, and they expect me to call him "dad" and "love" him? Do they even know? How he has worse of a temper than me during PMS? How he cracks the most disgusting jokes, and drinks every week like theres no tomorrow? How he influenced my mom to smoke more, when she promised me she would quit 3 years before? How my siblings and i constantly get sick because of their habits? How my mom doesnt even begin to understand me, and she wonders why im so "messed up?" How im grounded pretty much the whole year, left to my thoughts wondering what i did that was so wrong. How im never gonna be good enough? How pretty much every day i come home to screams and scolding? How i havent seen my biological father in 11 years? How im so close to giving up? How all the drama at school isnt exactly helping me? How im trying to live day by day hoping things will get better and how im working so hard for it?

well yeah, i dont know if i am going to regret posting this, but i wrote it anyway.
This is a particularly revealing blog, but dont assume things, because this isnt even half of the story.

**didnt go to school today): got bronchitis from my brother.

why am i suddenly acquiring feelings for someone i havent seen in 11 years?
i dont even remember his name
but his face is embedded in my heart.
oh first puppy love. the inability to forget.
a million miles away.

and no, its not going to be one of those fairy tale endings
where the two spontaneously meet once again and live happily ever after.
seriously, nothing like that ever happens to me.

this is more like a little girl being stupid.
attempting to find an outlet for emotions after all that has happened to her.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

realizations
trickery
insanity
mystery
scandals
disappointments
confessions
drama
relief
fear
happiness
love...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i might be able to understand now...
but reassurance is needed.
the idea just hit me as i was sitting there, waiting for my crazy slow IBM laptop to load...
is this merely a tangled web of lies,
would they really work that hard for it?
or is it the truth, but why did they do what they did?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it seems as if
everything i have worked for
is crumbling down
the tower i have begun to build
was just bombed by time. last week to be specific :[

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Erin, were always like "THATS GOING IN THE BLOG TONIGHT!" when we accidentally stumble upon a smart comment in our conversations.
BUT I KEEP FORGETTING WHAT IT IS
lol
i think i have alzheimers already D:<
oh, and what happened to our plans?
those times in cluster where all we would talk about was that.
are we really going to put all that time to waste?
<3

LOL
ripped pants for good luck
"easier access"
sadistic oppurtunities
so many inside jokes
HAHAHAHAHA
blackie
tigre
sunny
oh my my my

;)

"happiness is where we find it, but rarely where we seek it"'